By Erin Koury

In life you’re faced with many things, and once you are able to accept it, things can be changed. But nothing can be changed until you are ready to come to terms with the past. In order for your life to change you have to have a stable state of mind, otherwise known as peace at mind. Letting go of the past, knowing it can’t be changed so why spend your time crying over it. Peace brings relieve, with peace you can see what’s important and what’s not.

Working for peace takes time. It’s a commitment, and comes to those who work for it. You have to give yourself room to be human, to make mistakes, have feelings you know you shouldn’t have, and give yourself credit for your hard work. With doing so you have to believe, believe you have a purpose. Accept that everything happens for a reason. You need to know in your heart that your experiences from when you were a child helped shape who you are today. Even though things that have happen you had no control over, you have the choice to make the best of it. Understand that hurt and pain go hand in hand with forgiveness and love. Only way to transform the hurt and pain to love is threw forgiveness. Forgive those who have hurt you, truly deep down inside forgive.

James Baldwin once said “Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced.” In a Lesson before Dying by Ernest J Gaines, Jefferson needs to face the fact that he can’t change what’s going to happen but he needs to accept the fact that he can change how he feels about the situation. Instead of making the situation worse for himself, he should try and make it better for himself. He should come to terms with the way he feels and how others feel. He shouldn’t ignore the people who love him the most especially when they go to visit him. If Jefferson came to terms with everything going on around him he would realize he needs to make the best of what’s left of his life, instead of wasting it by putting himself down worse then he already is.

James Baldwin’s quote also relates to something deep in my life, and when I first read that quote I got a knot in my stomach. Those words smacked all the pain and emotion I have felt all into one quote. It’s truly amazing how little words can make a big impact on someone’s life.

When I was thirteen, I was in a three year relationship and I honestly thought I was in love. Emotions were deep but with being so young I never thought about sex. Sex was something I wanted to wait on, something I wanted to be special, especially because it was my first time. In his eyes he didn’t think the same way as I did. On June 11th 2005 I was raped, not just by a random person, but by someone who I thought loved me. Pain had never smacked me in the face so hard. That was one of the most terrifying days of my life. I cried tears that I should have never had to cry and went thru many sleepless nights. The slightest touches would scare me and sleeping at night with the light off was the worst. It took me months before I was able to sleep with the light off. It led me into a deep depression. I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t sleep. I cried for hours at a time and couldn’t grasp much of anything. I needed therapy to deal with the depression and it became a daily session to help me thru the day. Even though talking about it isn’t that easy, I found it much easier then keeping everything bottled up inside of me.

It wasn’t until August of 2007 that I realized I couldn’t change the past. I learned to accept the fact that it did happen and there was nothing I could do about it. I blamed myself each and every day and I couldn’t understand what I did wrong to get hit with something so hard. I learned to stop blaming myself, because it wasn’t my fault. It happened for a reason and couldn’t be changed. They say that if God put you into a situation he will be there to help you through it. Ever since 2005 I go to church every Sunday. I need that mass to make me feel complete through the week. I’ve learned that God will never give you more then you can handle. God put me on this earth with a purpose and I made the decision to help other girls like myself because I realized I could help them. Simply because I knew exactly how they felt and I knew the pain they went thru. I’ve helped many girls come to terms and each time I do I feel hope. The same hope I felt when I was helped.

Even though day after day isn’t easy and it is still hard for me and I do have many flashbacks, it’s the courage and strength I have not to give up. A random stranger told me that true strength is being able to hold it all together when no one would blame you for falling apart. That quote is a daily reminder to me that I am strong and I can make it. The girls I help are another reason I don’t give up because I don’t want them feeling abandon yet again. It’s a cold and lost feeling, it’s a feeling that takes long to over come but has to be over come in order to change the feelings of today. It is much easier said then done and is much easier to ignore it then to face it. Moving on after it happens and getting the strength to get out of bed and the strength to keep things together are very hard. But I learn to do it each and every day, just because I know I can’t lay around and let it eat at me and longer then it has.

Doing it alone is even harder; luckily for me I had my best friend by my side each and every day. She made it so much easier as the days went on. She was someone to talk to when I felt like there was no one. She was there to read all my feelings and she never judged me. Every year she was the one to tell me, that even though I experienced the worst pain in the world that I was Erin Koury and I could beat him, that I was stronger then that to let him bring me down. She gave me hope as I’ve given her hope. We gave each other hope, and that’s one of the reasons we never turned our backs on each other. We were there for each other with all the tears we’ve cried and we knew exactly why each one had sleepless nights. She gave me the strength I needed to be strong and with out her I probably wouldn’t be the person I am today. I probably wouldn’t have been able to come to terms with it. She helped me see that there is a light down the end of the tunnel. She helped me become stronger with each tear that fell from my eyes. And I can truly say I am blessed to have her in my life.

I try my best to live each day and be strong enough to keep moving. I put a smile upon my face and hide the pain the best I way I know how. It has caused me to put up a wall up and rarely let anyone in. The pain rarely goes away and is a major part of my day.

One thing I do regret is not telling anyone in my family. My mother is like my best friend in certain ways. I usually tell my mother everything to a point, because that’s when it can get kind of awkward. As days had passed I knew there was no easy way to tell her. It’s been four and a half years and there’s still no easy way to tell her. It’s like a secret life that no one in my family knows about. There’s a part of me no one knows about. I think one reason I’m afraid to tell them is because of the way they will look at me. It’s easier to lose friends over my past but it would tear me apart to lose my family.

I didn’t just make a change for me I made a change for about a dozen other girls. I was able to face my pain and be strong enough for other people who also needed me. People that were in my shoes and knew exactly how I felt and I think that’s why we found hope in each other. We found each other help full in some type of way.

He hurt me and my life was literally ripped apart but no matter what I’m good now. I may hurt time to time and I might get flashbacks some times but I deal with it the best way I know how to. But In the end I’m not a victim anymore I’m a survivor.